Asking Out Anxiety

I recently did what is somewhat expected in society, although one person called it one of the hardest things we can do, and asked a woman out. There’s some unwritten expectation that as a the guy – or the man – I’m supposed to be the one to take the lead. As the older person – I know I’m older – there’s some expectation that I act like the responsible adult.

I don’t think I’ve asked anyone out since prom in high school when I asked a long-time friend who was in a different school.

If you’re the person I asked out, and you’re reading this, don’t worry. I like you and will continue to like you. I love you for who you are, for your values and your worldview.

I’m not good at looking at it as asking her out. I don’t know that I even want to call it a date. I wanted and want to spend time with her to get to know her better, and, frankly, just to spend time with her because I enjoy spending time with her.

There was a lot of anxiety about asking her. Almost as much anxiety as deciding whether to press the ‘friend’ button on social media. The anxiety wasn’t about her, but about me. Was I doing the right thing? Would I hear a yes? Would a hear a no? Would I push her away? All of these things worried me.

Anxiety

Merriam-Webster defines anxiety, in the medical sense, as “an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear … concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it.” the American Psychological Association defines anxiety as “an emotion characterized by feelings of tension, worried thoughts, and physical changes like increased blood pressure.”

I mentioned to a friend about the anxiety of relationships, and how hard it is to meet people and make friends once we become adults and have left college.

The social media algorithm picked up on the words ‘relationship,’ and ‘anxiety,’ and ‘overthinking’ and gave me lots of reels to look at and pages to look at that I don’t follow.

Many of the reels and stories I’ve come across while doomscrolling, or scrolling without knowing that I’m looking for, are useless and irrelevant. Most reels are how to deal with a break-up, which is useless to me, or how to send the perfect message, or determine by body language if the person really want you. Some said that if she’s not responding to your texts – leave the relationship. Again, pointless because who I’m thinking of does respond to my texts and hasn’t ghosted me, and we have a relationship beyond whether the answer to “can I take you out” is a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’. (Although for several weeks I had anxiety of whether we can exist beyond that question for several weeks, I think the answer is we’ll be fine).

Attachment Types

What I did learn from the reels is that everyone brings an attachment type into a relationship. It’s not news that everyone has emotional baggage they bring into a relationship, but I’d never thought about attachment types. We all have issues from our childhood that we generally know nothing about that determines how we interact with romantic partners.

An experiment from 1969 showed that there are four attachment types: “One is secure attachment. The other three — anxious, avoidant and disorganized — are considered insecure attachment styles.”

Each style, continues an article in Cleveland Health about the four attachment types, “exists on a spectrum, so you may not find yourself identifying completely with any one style. Or your style may fall into one category but be more or less extreme in how it affects the quality of your relationships.”

• Secure attachment in a an adult relationship People with a secure attachment style “are more readily able to form long-lasting and healthy relationships with others. They’re more likely to trust their partner and be emotionally available to them.” Studies show that about 58% of adults are securely attached.

• Anxious attachment style “may be seen as ‘clingy,’ ‘needy’ or not trusting. People with an anxious attachment style can be consumed with concern that their loved ones will abandon them, and they may seek constant reassurance that they’re safe in their relationship.” Research indicates that about 19% of adults have an anxious attachment style.

• Avoidant attachment “can look like an adult who is a “’one wolf’ or overly self-sufficient. People with an avoidant attachment style are likely to not delve much into emotional conversations, either in regard to their own feelings or those of others.” The article adds that “adults with an avoidant attachment style can be seen as self-reliant and emotionally guarded. They’re unlikely to seek emotional comfort or understand how to comfort their partner.” Research shows about 23% of adults have an avoidant attachment style.

• Adults with disorganized attachments are likely to live with mental health disorders or personality disorders that prevent them from developing healthy relationships with others. They’re likely to crave close relationships but push others away when they show them attention. Cleveland Health does not mention the percentage of people that fall under this category.

There’s a lot more information about how each attachment style develops and about labeling yourself our your partner with one or more of these elements of attachments and attempting to understand upbringing as a child.

I spent a long time (or at least a while) trying to understand myself, and the person I asked out in terms of these attachment styles. I can see myself having more than one of these attachment styles at the same time, although I can’t tell you what part of my childhood caused what. As for anyone else, since we often develop these styles as children without knowing it, you may relate to these styles without knowing why.